fight of faith (♥)

i'm having this really bad inferiority complex now.

i'm sorry for wanting to be a stupid, immature teenager.

because sometimes i think i'm thinking too much.

and sometimes, being childish helps me to forget to think.

to feel happy about myself for a while.

but most of the time i just end up having conflicting interests,

knowing that what i want and what i should do is impossible to co-exist.

i'm sorry that i can't live up to anyone's expectations.

i fell short of my own expectations in my studies, in controlling my thoughts,

i didn't do my best in many things for fear of failure,

i practically dashed my own dreams and saw the people closest to me getting them.

and the worst thing is that it happened in more than one count.

i'm sorry for being less of a friend, and more of a bitch.

i couldn't really stand being close to anyone for a while.

i needed to sort things out with myself, to know who i can trust,

who won't build me up and tear me down like so many have done.

i couldn't be there when you needed me, so i'm not expecting you to be here now.

(even though i really wish you were here)

i'm sorry for not shaking off my bad habits.

for not cleaning my room.

for not doing the things i'm supposed to do.

i'ld say that i didn't have enough time with studies and all that whatnot,

but now i think that's all just an excuse.

i'm sorry for feeling pathetic for myself,

for being jealous of you,

for telling myself that i'm an idiot to keep giving in to you.

but i guess that's what our 'friendship' is built upon.

me giving you whatever you want.

i guess i'm just not strong enough.

i'm sorry for wanting to be that kid that i used to be.

because it's impossible to turn back time now.

-----

i'm actually crying now.

this might become a thursday ritual.

only it gets worst.

last thurs's interclass was probably just the normal sad cry.

what i'm feeling now is like 10 times worst.

because i told myself i won't cry over you again.

and it's not the first time i'm feeling like that.

written on
11:26 PM