fight of faith (♥)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

QUOTE "I miss you. I miss incomprehendible happiness. I miss going crazy."

Kellie's display message got me missing loads of stuff.

I miss hanging out at awesome places.

I miss doing weird stuff.

I miss pissing off shop assistances by playing with the items.

I miss quarreling over which movie to watch.

I miss deciding whether or not to buy that sinful combo for the movie.

I miss skating on ice.

I miss dragging people into neoprints machines.

I miss chalets where the people never sleep.

I miss gossiping about people who we barely knew.

I miss sharing food over lunch.

I miss online messaging.

I miss talking about stupid stuff that nobody cared about.

i miss so many things, it doesn't really anymore.

Labels: emo, epiphany

written on
9:56 PM

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

facades, camera, action

you know the thing about life being a stage where everyone's an actor and such?

i beg to differ.

life ain't a stage, life's a set:

everything is set up to seem so perfect to deceive the people on the outside.

face it, we've all wanted to be that main character in a tv show at least once in our lives.

we've all believed that life in that tv serial is 'true' that the characters 'exist'.

yeah they do. in pixels and soundwaves.

and then you feel so cheated that that life you wanted was just a story.

sure, a stage has props and stuff to make the characters more real,

but a stage is real: the people on stage play out the lives of the characters, so in a way, they ARE the characters.

try putting yourself into the shoes of Josh in BBYD.

are you yourself or are you Josh?

confusing eh?

in short, like a director knows his set, you know your life.

your life to others is a stage, something to show the heavily edited course of your life;

your life to yourself is a set, your life will never seem perfect to you 'cos you know all the tiny details about it.

your life is merely a facade.

Labels: epiphany, random, sick, supernova

written on
8:11 PM

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

i'm hurting to see you hurt.

and i have no idea where this shit is coming from.

Labels: emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, notes, rants, supernova

written on
6:28 PM

Sunday, September 6, 2009

echoes

i really don't know what to do anymore.

couldn't sleep until 1am last night:

there were shivers down my spine and screaming in my head.

honestly, i have no idea what's happening, but sometimes, i wish i could just quit this whole thing.

so from 2300 to 0100 i was just lying on the bed,

tossing and turning and praying and trying to get the screaming out,

but it didn't really work and i fell asleep cos of exhaustion.

i'm really scared there'll be a relapse tonight.

missed church today cos i forgot to charge my phone in the chaos last night,

and so the alarm didn't ring.

went to tampines with family,

bought paper to make your birthday card.

i don't know how to say sorry to you,

because you really ought to say sorry to me too.

Labels: /:, bored, church, emo, epiphany, family, feelings, friends, happy, notes, pissed, prayers, sj, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
11:00 PM

Saturday, September 5, 2009

untold truths and halfway beliefs

today was semi-awesome.

training was really fun, but i'm really sorry for pissing you guys off ):

today just didn't start right.

and i really don't like people interupting me.

ah i don't know.

it's just that i think the seniors are right and everyone else thinks that they are wrong.

and i don't know how to disagree with them and still see eye to eye with them.

rt without after training rants to haonan just doesn't work out well.

and i think my love for standard ones doubled today haha.

because their popquiz answer was damn cute.

and when you strip away their irritatingness/shyness/quietness,

they're all really just who we were.

and that's pretty comforting, i guess.

(i just wish that you can see it too)

quote that stuck during FA: "YOU ALL MUST BE SCIENTIFIC OKAY?"

haha. meaning no "jaw, shoulder blade, shin" and stuff haha.

post training lunch with daniel & yongsheng:

DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER EVM UPSIZE WITH VARYING PREFERENCES

haha. aweeeeesome :D

then rushed to lido to meet kellie & pearl and watched G-force 3D

pretty good show, and Shaw is my favefavefave theatre now haha.

(+ Time traveller's wife & Alice in Wonderland with Deborah)

(+ many other awesome movies coming out :D)

then sakae dinner + extra large food hahahaha.

you have to see it to know how funny it actually is lol.

and i'm damn bloody tired now):

Labels: /:, clique, emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, goals, happy, homework, notes, pissed, random, rants, school, sj, smc1, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
11:24 PM

Friday, September 4, 2009

Because sometimes, what we want contrasts with who we are

If I were in the shoes of someone else, I'll hate myself.

If you get what I mean.

Today wasn't particularly good nor bad.

Just a normal, pretty boring day.

Gah. why do I even bother?

everything's in my head, and I can't type it out right now.

Labels: epiphany, feelings, notes, rants, school, tired

written on
11:01 PM

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

past friends, present friends

i have reasons aplenty to hate you,

to disclose your secrets,

to make you look bad;

but the only reason i don't is that otherwise,

my present friends might leave.

and that's why it hurts so bad.

because it's not you who's hurting me,

it's their ignorance that hurts.

Labels: /:, emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, notes, supernova, thoughts

written on
10:00 PM

not unhappy birthday

i can't stand how ironic it is that it's joe trohman's birthday.

nor the fact that the moment i started to type this it started to pour.

let's not read too much into this, eh?

and it's just when i decided to forget how fucked up you were.

on the other hand,

happy birthday Zhen Ting & Joe Trohman :)

and i just realised all my best friends like green.

coincidental?

Labels: birthday, epiphany, feelings, notes, rants, supernova, thoughts

written on
11:38 AM

Monday, August 31, 2009

restless minds & tired souls

christine's feeling slightly sad.

i don't know why i mind so much,

but it seems like the people i love have been letting me down a lot these days.

i'm sorry i lie, i'm sorry i'm a liar, i'm sorry i lied.

i'm afraid of being alone.

i miss 6A'06/P6 clique/proper conversations with xl

yes, i'm a sucker for nostalgia.

Labels: /:, clique, emo, epiphany, feelings, FREAKED OUT BY BC, friends, notes, random, school, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
10:37 PM

a little high on sugar

today was okay until the concert,

and not okay until swensens buffet @ ION Orchard.

not bitching about why ;)

haha. i love wuyue.

she makes me happy and high and lets me bitch about everyone :D

met mira at Swensens.

like after soooooooo long.

i miss her haha.

happy (really) belated 16th, dear.

in a very good mood now cos of the ice cream.

ice cream + shopping makes me high! hahahaha.

i'm not letting the past get into me;

i shot alice in the head.

beat that, bitch :)

Labels: clique, emo, epiphany, friends, happy, supernova, tired, wants

written on
9:15 PM

Friday, August 28, 2009

sending my ♥ out

i'm really proud of the standard ones today.

i never knew that it was this satisfying seeing them improve beyond our expectations,

and i never knew how much i actually cared for them.

Standard ones, if you ever see this post, keep up your spirit today,

with this kind of spirit, i'm sure that you guys can achieve great heights ♥

on the other hand,

i really miss the standard threes.

i never thought that cheering was important; that just sitting down and whining to each other was important,

but these three weeks apart from each other,

it made me realise that whatever joy we get from our cadets is really different from what we get from each other.

standard threes oh nine, serve with pride|together as one (♥)

smc one, i love you guys.

even though we quarrel and fight and all that stuff,

deep down inside, i think that we make a really nice team,

and that we can tackle all problems we face, yeah ;)

many ♥s for you guys: ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

one for each of us.

Labels: epiphany, feelings, happy, random, rants, sj, smc1, supernova, thoughts, wants

written on
10:17 PM

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

promised pixels. xoxo

saved this as draft last night and forgot to post it.

i'm tired of seeing all my friends walk ahead of me and never turning back.

life's just one long rat race, ain't it?

it's just running to have the highest popularity, having the bests friends.

studying at the best college, getting the best job.

it's really putting me off that the people i trust are the people i should beware most,

and that best friends are those you don't know well.

ah, it's just one big confusing concept that i don't want to understand.

Labels: /:, emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, supernova, thoughts

written on
9:59 PM

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Storyteller: truths, lies & in betweens

it's like trying to get a picture out of your head, but never getting it right.

it's like finding the right words, but using it the wrong way.

it's like confiding to a friend, and hearing him spread the rumours.

it's like being confident for a test, but seeing the failing results.

it's like seeing the world in black and white, but ommiting the grey areas.

it's like searching for your greatest desire, and finding out that it's been with you the whole time.

it's like singing your favourite song, and realising that you got the lyrics all wrong.

it's like solving a math equation, but using the wrong formulae.

it's like dancing with an injured ankle; writing with an inkless pen;

it's like spelling without alphabets; talking in different tongues.

it's like i'm the storyteller, telling the truths, lies and in betweens.

-----

today's a plain boring day.

and people got me thinking bout love.

Labels: /:, bored, emo, epiphany, notes, poem, random, sick, thoughts, tired

written on
10:03 PM

Sunday, August 9, 2009

slightly salted tears

i'm feeling so much better now after that good long cry.

i wasn't even crying for me, hell, i was crying for the broken hearted.

for those who were here and then left,

for those who left and came back,

for those who never said goodbye.

i haven't felt such a clear head for so long:

life's been a real bad tease these days - i always had to be the person everyone expects me to be, and i'm afraid to fall of their expectations, though i'm tempted to just blow my cover.

there's been too much deception, too many lies;

so much indecisiveness, so many wrong choices.

but now, it seems clear that it doesn't matter what everyone else says or does.

i am me. no one can change that, not the people who backstabbed, not the people who left, not even the dear voice in my head that keeps shouting the worse thoughts out.

it seems as though i killed that voice.

and i have no idea whether that's a good thing.

i kinda miss those serious heart-to-heart talks i have with xl:

the ones where i'm crying here, and i know he's there to make me smile.

the ones where i could embarass myself real bad and know he won't bring it up ever again.

the ones where i never had to pretend to be okay.

but we all have to grow up and move on, don't we?

we all have to pick up the pieces and try to fix them back together.

we all have to leave a part of us to grow a new one.

it hurts, but it's for the better, i guess.

so here's saying goodbye to the fuckers that left because they were afraid of the consequences of their mindless actions.

here's saying goodbye to those that never said goodbye.

here's picking myself up from the ground, and not looking anywhere but away from you.

i'm not sorry even if you are.

you deserve everything, it might not be coming, but i believe someday, everything would come to light.

just you wait, my dear,

because revenge was never meant to be taken directly: it comes in separate doses.

Labels: BOF, clique, emo, epiphany, fangirl, feelings, friends, goals, happy, jihoo, notes, pissed, poem, prayers, rants, sick, sj, supernova, thoughts, wants

written on
12:22 AM

Friday, August 7, 2009

For(get)giveness

God made Man in the splitting image of Himself, thus God made Man able to forgive.

I can forgive you, but I secretly hope that this would haunt you forever.

Sometimes I think I should just tell everyone what happened, ruin your image, etc.

Sometimes I think I should tell my mum.

Sometimes revenge does sound sweet.

Sometimes, forgiveness doesn't come from the heart.

So fuck you, and fuck off.

Labels: bored, clique, epiphany, feelings, FREAKED OUT BY BC, friends, notes, pissed, prayers, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
10:53 PM

Sunday, August 2, 2009

You're my Prince of Peace

like a child letting go of a helium balloon:

we thought we had it all,

clenching the little ribboned string in our tiny fists,

thinking we'll never let go of this tiny piece of happiness in our hands.

and then something happens that makes us loosen that death clench,

and up goes the balloon, flying higher and higher and higher.

further from our grasps, rising above our heads;

losing that happiness we had.

but, like a child, we never stay sad for long - something else will distract us, all too soon.

that was POP'09.

in that five hours, our instructors left us,

but there wasn't time to feel sad because now there's instructorhood to keep us busy.

and it's suddenly all too big a responsibility.

yes, i love the standard ones, but i don't know. it's an awful load for me.

but i'll try to keep the balloon in my hands this time round.

with little, childish innocence,

(shall i view the world:)

no more tinted glasses nor kaleidoscopes.

things shall be as they seem.

no more extra imagination,

nor a little too much consideration.

no, no more.

signing off with just a little faith, trust and pixie dust.

(God be with me.)

Labels: church, clique, emo, epiphany, family, goals, photos, school, sj, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
9:55 PM

Friday, July 31, 2009

So thank you for showing me,

That best friends can not be trusted.

i went to school in a very good mood.

because i seriously thought that it'll be better; that friends do make life much happier.

and then the day went spiralling downhill straight after flag raising.

i guess it's just another day of being me.

the piece of the puzzle that never quite fits.

and the worse part is it really hurts trying to make myself fit/seeing people try to make me fit.

because deep inside, we all know it's not possible.

because deep inside, there's always this little nagging voice that says you're not good enough.

y'know when they say things change? they're lying.

things don't change. circumstance does.

the way things happen don't change. the people who do it; they way that they do it change.

and reactions don't change. don't learn that the hard way.

don't regret things after they happen.

i'm sorry.

i guess things would have been better if i wasn't there.

i guess sometimes, i have to acknowledge that i'm not that visible.

i guess i'm getting my prayer answered: to get closer to God. but i didn't expect to get it through broken heartedness.

skimmed through the rest of the day through lenses.

i should have paid more attention.

i should have taken the initiative.

i should have just left.

alice shouldn't have came.

-----

after school was... bearable?

had lunch with wuyue, discussed some stuff with haihua.

and then my skirt got caught by ms lee/li.

like fuck. it's my worst day ever in school, and my skirt got caught for being 2cm too short.

was i supposed to expect it? i guess so, given the day's karma.

so yeah. i got booked for the first time in my three years in dunman.

and ms lee went down into the trenches of teachers who i think are unreasonable.

i mean, other people actually get a chance before they get booked.

and wala! first time i meet her in 2 years, i had to get booked.

fucker.

then finished up Benny cards with juniors.

got a phone call from haihua saying that i was year 1 parade commander.

like woah. 5 minutes before i left school my role changed from photographer to commander.

and i couldn't stay to practice.

and i really don't want to screw things up tomorrow.

i've screwed up enough today.

took the mrt with wuyue.

didn't talk much.

didn't feel cheerful enough for idle chat.

doesn't it feel like life's too short to waste it on such stuff?

that sometimes we should just let go of more things and go a little crazy?

that sometimes, that all we need to do.

i guess i learned the connotation of macro in photography terms.

it's being part of the big picture, but never really clear.

it's being there, and being not there at the same time.

it's thinking you mean something, but you actually don't.

And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back.

Labels: /:, emo, epiphany, family, feelings, friends, God, happy, notes, pissed, prayers, rants, school, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
6:18 PM

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

just a little too late.

I really thought I was over it, but I'm not.

and I don't think I ever will until we get this conflict resolved.

to whoever is concerned (you probably know who you are):

am I supposed to take your classical as mine cos you took the electric as yours

because I really don't know what can keep our friendship and fufil our desires.

-----

Wuyue: I'm sorry for starting our day off so unhappily. Sleep deprivation does that to me. Extreme moodswings + really disconnected thoughts. There's a lot of things I haven't told you, that I need to tell you. Because I really can't keep it to myself anymore.

Kellie: Sorry for watching my unglam moments today /: Now you'll remember how horrible I look when I cry ): and hey, thanks for cheering me up. ILY, yeah?

Amanda: Thanks for going home with me :D LOL.

alrighty. don't feel like posting much today.

not in a good mood. don't think i'll be in one soon.

shall finish geog and do quiet time.

i need some time with God.

Labels: /:, clique, emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, goals, God, homework, notes, pissed, rants, school, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
9:06 PM

Saturday, July 25, 2009

send my love to the stars

i'm sorry i haven't been posting much.

it's been late nights and long days this week.

my twitter's probably more active than my blog now.

at least there it's more bite sized pieces of epiphanies.

here i have to type everything out in long superfluous sentences like this one.

went jogging this morning.

refreshed my mind loads.

i guess i kinda miss going back to nature.

Labels: /:, emo, epiphany, feelings, happy, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
10:31 PM

Friday, July 24, 2009

carousel

because sometimes, just sometimes, we want to feel a little love.

i guess i'm just a little jealous right now.

it seems a little too childish, and a little immature.

but i can't help but want to be a little foolish,

to think that the whole world can revolve around me sometimes.

Labels: /:, crushes, emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, Tom Felton, wants

written on
11:36 PM