fight of faith (♥)

Saturday, August 29, 2009

but in the end, everyone ends up alone

3B sucks hardcore.

I'ld give anything to get 1C back.

hell, i don't even mind having 2C right now.

i mean, face it,

Cresmic phototaking was always pure fun:

no matter how screwed our photos were,

no matter where we're placed, it doesn't matter.

Cresmic chalet had almost full attendance,

minus the few who had to return to China.

Cresmic halloween party had people dressing up and a proper bbq.

Cresmic lessons were full of nonsense and breaks were filled with TorD/fangirling/shouting across the class.

Cresmic interclass really involved the whole class.

Cresmic felt like home,

but 3B is like... hopeless.

which class has a name like BANANAS?

there's no meaning to it other than this yellow disgusting fruit.

(i'm sorry i do hate bananas oh so very much.)

which class tee took forever to make, costs a hell load, and doesn't even last long?

which class had so little supporters during interclass,

that there wasn't any motivation for us to stay on and play?

which class's class blog is dead and no one bothers to check it?

which class chalet has FOUR people attending and has a 25bucks per person, non inclusive of food & activities fee?

which class makes absolutely no sound during lessons?

which class saps the whole zi-high energy from you cos they're just so fucking quiet and dull?

which class hates school celebrations cos they're a waste of time and rather have formal lessons?

which class doesn't even bother to bond with each other?

which class sucks so much, there's really no point in calling those 36 people a class anymore?

oh right, my class.

----------

y'know what?

next year let's just choose all the unenthu people to be the class comm,

let them know how hopeless it is to try to bond this class.

they can be the ones planning the class outings (mugger dates, perhaps),

they can go do all the seating arrangements shit

(doesn't matter who you sit with, they're probably clinging on to every shit that the teacher is saying and can't be bothered to listen to you talk),

they can do all the mass smsing/the events planning/announcements making.

it wouldn't matter how screwed the class becomes:

it wouldn't get any worse than this.

oh, and you know what?

i have suggestions on who to choose.

(they'll fit the role perfectly)

----------

no, this is not a hate post.

this is just me voicing out what i really think about 3B as a whole.

i thank God that there are people inside who are like me,

and it's really nice to know that i'm not just some weird over enthu person ;)

Labels: /:, bored, feelings, friends, God, pissed, random, rants, school, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
11:33 PM

Friday, July 31, 2009

So thank you for showing me,

That best friends can not be trusted.

i went to school in a very good mood.

because i seriously thought that it'll be better; that friends do make life much happier.

and then the day went spiralling downhill straight after flag raising.

i guess it's just another day of being me.

the piece of the puzzle that never quite fits.

and the worse part is it really hurts trying to make myself fit/seeing people try to make me fit.

because deep inside, we all know it's not possible.

because deep inside, there's always this little nagging voice that says you're not good enough.

y'know when they say things change? they're lying.

things don't change. circumstance does.

the way things happen don't change. the people who do it; they way that they do it change.

and reactions don't change. don't learn that the hard way.

don't regret things after they happen.

i'm sorry.

i guess things would have been better if i wasn't there.

i guess sometimes, i have to acknowledge that i'm not that visible.

i guess i'm getting my prayer answered: to get closer to God. but i didn't expect to get it through broken heartedness.

skimmed through the rest of the day through lenses.

i should have paid more attention.

i should have taken the initiative.

i should have just left.

alice shouldn't have came.

-----

after school was... bearable?

had lunch with wuyue, discussed some stuff with haihua.

and then my skirt got caught by ms lee/li.

like fuck. it's my worst day ever in school, and my skirt got caught for being 2cm too short.

was i supposed to expect it? i guess so, given the day's karma.

so yeah. i got booked for the first time in my three years in dunman.

and ms lee went down into the trenches of teachers who i think are unreasonable.

i mean, other people actually get a chance before they get booked.

and wala! first time i meet her in 2 years, i had to get booked.

fucker.

then finished up Benny cards with juniors.

got a phone call from haihua saying that i was year 1 parade commander.

like woah. 5 minutes before i left school my role changed from photographer to commander.

and i couldn't stay to practice.

and i really don't want to screw things up tomorrow.

i've screwed up enough today.

took the mrt with wuyue.

didn't talk much.

didn't feel cheerful enough for idle chat.

doesn't it feel like life's too short to waste it on such stuff?

that sometimes we should just let go of more things and go a little crazy?

that sometimes, that all we need to do.

i guess i learned the connotation of macro in photography terms.

it's being part of the big picture, but never really clear.

it's being there, and being not there at the same time.

it's thinking you mean something, but you actually don't.

And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back.

Labels: /:, emo, epiphany, family, feelings, friends, God, happy, notes, pissed, prayers, rants, school, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
6:18 PM

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

just a little too late.

I really thought I was over it, but I'm not.

and I don't think I ever will until we get this conflict resolved.

to whoever is concerned (you probably know who you are):

am I supposed to take your classical as mine cos you took the electric as yours

because I really don't know what can keep our friendship and fufil our desires.

-----

Wuyue: I'm sorry for starting our day off so unhappily. Sleep deprivation does that to me. Extreme moodswings + really disconnected thoughts. There's a lot of things I haven't told you, that I need to tell you. Because I really can't keep it to myself anymore.

Kellie: Sorry for watching my unglam moments today /: Now you'll remember how horrible I look when I cry ): and hey, thanks for cheering me up. ILY, yeah?

Amanda: Thanks for going home with me :D LOL.

alrighty. don't feel like posting much today.

not in a good mood. don't think i'll be in one soon.

shall finish geog and do quiet time.

i need some time with God.

Labels: /:, clique, emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, goals, God, homework, notes, pissed, rants, school, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
9:06 PM

Sunday, July 12, 2009

So give me a dose of courage, and get me a shot of adventure.

so, ice age 3 with amanda, kellie and pearl yesteday,

then fleatique with kellie and deborah :D

as bugis junction says "i (heart) retail therapy"

haha(:

cleaned my room today.

it looks nice and bright now.

and i lovelovelove my heart locket.

wore it the whole of today.

haha. it's special :D

but i haven't thought of anything to put inside yet.

church tmr.

i hope service doesn't make me fall asleep X:

and L!ME with deborah & theo tmr?

Labels: church, family, feelings, God, happy, notes, tired, wants

written on
12:00 AM

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Undo; Unto.

i don't see how people don't see the wrong that people do to them.

and i don't see why you still mean so much to me.

i hope you know that what you do, people do unto you.

i need to connect with Christ again.

i feel a breakdown coming.

i want to be rebuilt the right way.

Labels: feelings, friends, God, notes, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
6:07 PM

Monday, July 6, 2009

Late(r)

migraine prediction was correct.

panadols didn't work, and i think i might die of overdosage.

i'm trying out my sister's way of sticking the muscle ache sticker thing on the head.

no effect so far, 'cept that it burns so much that i don't feel the headache.

and there's this really bitter taste in my mouth that i can't get rid of.

is this some after-effect or something?

gah. i just want to runaway and hide in a hole or something.

it feels like there's the white rabbit repeating "i'm late, i'm late" in my head.

it's 10.35pm. not late in usual context, but i'm feeling rather sick.

there's this chinese assignment that i really have to work on 'cos it was due last friday. that's late.

there's idmi meeting tomorrow, and i have to rush some thing out. (late)

i feel like just falling asleep and not waking up; who cares if i'm late?

late; late; late.

i feel like i'm supposed to do something now, but i don't know what.

it's not something on my mental checklist.

it's like God calling me to do something, but i'm disobeying Him for human wants.

and i know i'm supposed to do something about it because i know it's not right, but i just want to rebel.

i don't like being diabolical.

i need some time on my own.

(it's the after-effects of acting)

Labels: church, emo, epiphany, family, feelings, friends, God, notes, prayers, school, sick, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
10:31 PM

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Solve the equation of C = A + W + X

i feel like i'm the part of the equation that no one knows and hardly bothers to find out.

like Q(x) in polynomials.

always there, but not quite noticible.

in the know yet not known.

i feel like some character shakespeare created:

speaking in dichotomies; never really understood.

it's like losing yourself again and again, and never really finding all that you had.

it's never being who you were, it's being trapped in that maze till you die,

it's walking with God blindfolded, yet you never know He's there, and you stumble.

it's having a stroll down a dark alley in your neighbourhood at the middle of the night, you think it's safe, but you never really know what might be coming.

it's living in faith, but losing your trust.

it's doubting in what you believed in.

because you don't really believe in it anymore.

i'm sorry if you don't understand this post,

it was alice taking over wendy.

ps. christine = wendy + alice + faith, trust & pixie dust.

Labels: /:, emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, God, notes, thoughts, tired

written on
11:27 PM

Monday, June 29, 2009

I'll be by your side

it's today D:

went quite well, i think.

met wuyue at aljunied mrt in the morning,

took cab to school with jiamin & kellie (cos we're smart people and missed the waiting for 158 cos there wasn't any 158A.)

so yeah.

i slept in every lesson,

made ms low pretty pissed,

but had fun with 3B clique during recess and 2C clique during lunch.

yoghurt ice cream tradition was broken ):

ah well. gonna sleep now.

and i think God was with me through today.

I don't know how to put it into words.

xoxochristine

Labels: clique, feelings, friends, God, happy, school, tired

written on
10:40 PM

Thursday, April 23, 2009

i'll trust in You

math is killing me.

i'm just not in the mood.

i'll go do quiet time.

God will lead me to the right passage.

i'll trust in that.

i'll show you the best that i can be.

if that doesn't work,

you can show me what's good.

Labels: /:, emo, goals, God, school

written on
8:56 PM

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

it's alright it's okay

Watched BBYD for lecture today.

Why were you crying?

Because you're the video was scary?

Because you were afraid what would happen to the students?

Because you wondered how someone could turn into such a monster?

Because it was to much for you to handle?

Or because it was so real; so possible?

(it sounds so much like your life)

I didn't get why people were laughing.

What was there to laugh at?

People getting canned?

People being publicly disgraced?

People dying?

People killing?

People not behaving like people.

(it's not sadism. it's just dark humor)

I don't know.

BBYD just affects me.

I cried in lecture.

It wasn't sympathy, it wasn't understanding how it felt.

It was seeing your life playing on screen and denying it.

It was feeling all f***ed up inside,

and having friends you can't talk to about it.

Met ShunBin at woodlands mrt.

technically, he met me. but w/e.

I never saw him until he tapped me at the escalator.

it kinda reminded me of how I never saw God till he made the first move.

How I would never see God unless I made the effort to turn.

How I lost God again this week.

jeez.

went back with amanda + huijun + jiamin today.

best joke ever:

idk who: "sthsth HUANGTAO'S GFs sthsth"

me: "YUFENG!"

and then died of laughter.

current best song ever:

It's alright, it's okay - Ashley Tisdale

love the video, love the song.

tell me why she's my fave girl again?

Labels: church, clique, feelings, friends, God, lyrics, school, thoughts, tired

written on
5:30 PM

Sunday, April 19, 2009

let's go, don't wait. this night's almost over.

i'm feeling sleepy):

lol.

long day of cip today:

just got home.

woke up at 7+, 8?

cos of shaun's phone call,

then couldn't fall asleep again,

then debs called to ask whether i'm going service,

then came here to blog and left for cip.

met kellie at the blk 425 bus stop.

long story. haha.

morning's blues got chased away by mcflurry + kellie

so went to CIP on a high note 8D

usual briefing stuff,

got lost on our way to the blks,

'sold' post its,

met punks (LOL) and went in grps of 5,

had problems,

problems became bigger,

reached back at reporting place at 6.30,

stayed back until 7+ to solve the problem,

ended cip in a very bad mood):

ate dinner with kaiseng at 8,

left at 8.30 to go tampines to take bus,

reached home at 9.45.

sian.

gonna go shower and study chem now.

it felt weird not going to church today.

i missed worship,

i missed singing in public without worries,

i missed talking to debs,

i missed opening up my heart in the sanctuary,

i missed talking to God.

today, i learnt a lot.

about people, about society, and the importance of friends.

too tired to post abt it.

shall try later or sth.

bye love.

Labels: church, emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, God, rants, school, supernova, thoughts, tired

written on
9:48 PM

Friday, April 17, 2009

dead (or alive)

i took a walk with God in my mind.

it didn't work out as well as I wanted it to be.

I need a real walk with a friend who understands how God touches people;

how God heals hearts;

how sometimes when you pray, you don't pray for yourself.

I promise myself to that walk after the tests.

maybe in malacca.

I need somewhere less urbanised, somewhere more green.

somewhere where i can just be myself,

without all those pretences.

jeez.

i've got that i want to cry but have no idea why feeling again.

-----

change topic.

suddenly rmb today during idmi meeting,

me and adalric were staring at this dead moth,

cos it didn't move and everything (even after blowing)

then adalric say "if the moth suddenly flies away, I'll freak out"

then after miss chen left,

big wind blow, paper flew, hit the moth,

AND IT FLEW AWAY.

and we freaked out.

and there was this deja vu feeling then.

like i dreamt it before.

exact place, words and reactions.

i should go be a psychic or sth.

see everything in dreams.

means i can sleep as long as i want.

LOL.

okay. I think i'm crapping now.

shall go do geog research.

Labels: feelings, friends, God, school, supernova

written on
9:03 PM

Thursday, April 16, 2009

cos I got over you(:

but the fire's in your hearts

I've never felt like this before.

It's like all your feelings just suddenly overwhelm you.

Happiness, sadness, gratitude, fear, confidence;

faith.

When it feels like all hope is lost,

what do you believe in?

When all you believe in is annihilated,

what would you do?

Yesterday I felt God touch me.

Yesterday I prayed that I would stick to my beliefs.

Yesterday I changed.

and today, that very prayer got answered.

today I didn't have 3 tests.

I had more:

the test of faith, of trust, of integrity,

of determination, of love.

today, I felt like life was extra-ordinary.

today, I got over you.

Labels: emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, God, happy, prayers, school, supernova, thoughts

written on
9:36 PM