fight of faith (♥)

Sunday, September 6, 2009

echoes

i really don't know what to do anymore.

couldn't sleep until 1am last night:

there were shivers down my spine and screaming in my head.

honestly, i have no idea what's happening, but sometimes, i wish i could just quit this whole thing.

so from 2300 to 0100 i was just lying on the bed,

tossing and turning and praying and trying to get the screaming out,

but it didn't really work and i fell asleep cos of exhaustion.

i'm really scared there'll be a relapse tonight.

missed church today cos i forgot to charge my phone in the chaos last night,

and so the alarm didn't ring.

went to tampines with family,

bought paper to make your birthday card.

i don't know how to say sorry to you,

because you really ought to say sorry to me too.

Labels: /:, bored, church, emo, epiphany, family, feelings, friends, happy, notes, pissed, prayers, sj, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
11:00 PM

Saturday, September 5, 2009

untold truths and halfway beliefs

today was semi-awesome.

training was really fun, but i'm really sorry for pissing you guys off ):

today just didn't start right.

and i really don't like people interupting me.

ah i don't know.

it's just that i think the seniors are right and everyone else thinks that they are wrong.

and i don't know how to disagree with them and still see eye to eye with them.

rt without after training rants to haonan just doesn't work out well.

and i think my love for standard ones doubled today haha.

because their popquiz answer was damn cute.

and when you strip away their irritatingness/shyness/quietness,

they're all really just who we were.

and that's pretty comforting, i guess.

(i just wish that you can see it too)

quote that stuck during FA: "YOU ALL MUST BE SCIENTIFIC OKAY?"

haha. meaning no "jaw, shoulder blade, shin" and stuff haha.

post training lunch with daniel & yongsheng:

DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER EVM UPSIZE WITH VARYING PREFERENCES

haha. aweeeeesome :D

then rushed to lido to meet kellie & pearl and watched G-force 3D

pretty good show, and Shaw is my favefavefave theatre now haha.

(+ Time traveller's wife & Alice in Wonderland with Deborah)

(+ many other awesome movies coming out :D)

then sakae dinner + extra large food hahahaha.

you have to see it to know how funny it actually is lol.

and i'm damn bloody tired now):

Labels: /:, clique, emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, goals, happy, homework, notes, pissed, random, rants, school, sj, smc1, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
11:24 PM

Saturday, August 29, 2009

but in the end, everyone ends up alone

3B sucks hardcore.

I'ld give anything to get 1C back.

hell, i don't even mind having 2C right now.

i mean, face it,

Cresmic phototaking was always pure fun:

no matter how screwed our photos were,

no matter where we're placed, it doesn't matter.

Cresmic chalet had almost full attendance,

minus the few who had to return to China.

Cresmic halloween party had people dressing up and a proper bbq.

Cresmic lessons were full of nonsense and breaks were filled with TorD/fangirling/shouting across the class.

Cresmic interclass really involved the whole class.

Cresmic felt like home,

but 3B is like... hopeless.

which class has a name like BANANAS?

there's no meaning to it other than this yellow disgusting fruit.

(i'm sorry i do hate bananas oh so very much.)

which class tee took forever to make, costs a hell load, and doesn't even last long?

which class had so little supporters during interclass,

that there wasn't any motivation for us to stay on and play?

which class's class blog is dead and no one bothers to check it?

which class chalet has FOUR people attending and has a 25bucks per person, non inclusive of food & activities fee?

which class makes absolutely no sound during lessons?

which class saps the whole zi-high energy from you cos they're just so fucking quiet and dull?

which class hates school celebrations cos they're a waste of time and rather have formal lessons?

which class doesn't even bother to bond with each other?

which class sucks so much, there's really no point in calling those 36 people a class anymore?

oh right, my class.

----------

y'know what?

next year let's just choose all the unenthu people to be the class comm,

let them know how hopeless it is to try to bond this class.

they can be the ones planning the class outings (mugger dates, perhaps),

they can go do all the seating arrangements shit

(doesn't matter who you sit with, they're probably clinging on to every shit that the teacher is saying and can't be bothered to listen to you talk),

they can do all the mass smsing/the events planning/announcements making.

it wouldn't matter how screwed the class becomes:

it wouldn't get any worse than this.

oh, and you know what?

i have suggestions on who to choose.

(they'll fit the role perfectly)

----------

no, this is not a hate post.

this is just me voicing out what i really think about 3B as a whole.

i thank God that there are people inside who are like me,

and it's really nice to know that i'm not just some weird over enthu person ;)

Labels: /:, bored, feelings, friends, God, pissed, random, rants, school, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
11:33 PM

Sunday, August 9, 2009

slightly salted tears

i'm feeling so much better now after that good long cry.

i wasn't even crying for me, hell, i was crying for the broken hearted.

for those who were here and then left,

for those who left and came back,

for those who never said goodbye.

i haven't felt such a clear head for so long:

life's been a real bad tease these days - i always had to be the person everyone expects me to be, and i'm afraid to fall of their expectations, though i'm tempted to just blow my cover.

there's been too much deception, too many lies;

so much indecisiveness, so many wrong choices.

but now, it seems clear that it doesn't matter what everyone else says or does.

i am me. no one can change that, not the people who backstabbed, not the people who left, not even the dear voice in my head that keeps shouting the worse thoughts out.

it seems as though i killed that voice.

and i have no idea whether that's a good thing.

i kinda miss those serious heart-to-heart talks i have with xl:

the ones where i'm crying here, and i know he's there to make me smile.

the ones where i could embarass myself real bad and know he won't bring it up ever again.

the ones where i never had to pretend to be okay.

but we all have to grow up and move on, don't we?

we all have to pick up the pieces and try to fix them back together.

we all have to leave a part of us to grow a new one.

it hurts, but it's for the better, i guess.

so here's saying goodbye to the fuckers that left because they were afraid of the consequences of their mindless actions.

here's saying goodbye to those that never said goodbye.

here's picking myself up from the ground, and not looking anywhere but away from you.

i'm not sorry even if you are.

you deserve everything, it might not be coming, but i believe someday, everything would come to light.

just you wait, my dear,

because revenge was never meant to be taken directly: it comes in separate doses.

Labels: BOF, clique, emo, epiphany, fangirl, feelings, friends, goals, happy, jihoo, notes, pissed, poem, prayers, rants, sick, sj, supernova, thoughts, wants

written on
12:22 AM

Saturday, August 8, 2009

suckers

i don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it.

going out to all those that are pissing me off right now.

kudos to those who know who you are.

i hope it makes you sad.

Labels: bored, friends, notes, pissed, random, rants, sj, supernova

written on
5:48 PM

Friday, August 7, 2009

For(get)giveness

God made Man in the splitting image of Himself, thus God made Man able to forgive.

I can forgive you, but I secretly hope that this would haunt you forever.

Sometimes I think I should just tell everyone what happened, ruin your image, etc.

Sometimes I think I should tell my mum.

Sometimes revenge does sound sweet.

Sometimes, forgiveness doesn't come from the heart.

So fuck you, and fuck off.

Labels: bored, clique, epiphany, feelings, FREAKED OUT BY BC, friends, notes, pissed, prayers, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
10:53 PM

Friday, July 31, 2009

So thank you for showing me,

That best friends can not be trusted.

i went to school in a very good mood.

because i seriously thought that it'll be better; that friends do make life much happier.

and then the day went spiralling downhill straight after flag raising.

i guess it's just another day of being me.

the piece of the puzzle that never quite fits.

and the worse part is it really hurts trying to make myself fit/seeing people try to make me fit.

because deep inside, we all know it's not possible.

because deep inside, there's always this little nagging voice that says you're not good enough.

y'know when they say things change? they're lying.

things don't change. circumstance does.

the way things happen don't change. the people who do it; they way that they do it change.

and reactions don't change. don't learn that the hard way.

don't regret things after they happen.

i'm sorry.

i guess things would have been better if i wasn't there.

i guess sometimes, i have to acknowledge that i'm not that visible.

i guess i'm getting my prayer answered: to get closer to God. but i didn't expect to get it through broken heartedness.

skimmed through the rest of the day through lenses.

i should have paid more attention.

i should have taken the initiative.

i should have just left.

alice shouldn't have came.

-----

after school was... bearable?

had lunch with wuyue, discussed some stuff with haihua.

and then my skirt got caught by ms lee/li.

like fuck. it's my worst day ever in school, and my skirt got caught for being 2cm too short.

was i supposed to expect it? i guess so, given the day's karma.

so yeah. i got booked for the first time in my three years in dunman.

and ms lee went down into the trenches of teachers who i think are unreasonable.

i mean, other people actually get a chance before they get booked.

and wala! first time i meet her in 2 years, i had to get booked.

fucker.

then finished up Benny cards with juniors.

got a phone call from haihua saying that i was year 1 parade commander.

like woah. 5 minutes before i left school my role changed from photographer to commander.

and i couldn't stay to practice.

and i really don't want to screw things up tomorrow.

i've screwed up enough today.

took the mrt with wuyue.

didn't talk much.

didn't feel cheerful enough for idle chat.

doesn't it feel like life's too short to waste it on such stuff?

that sometimes we should just let go of more things and go a little crazy?

that sometimes, that all we need to do.

i guess i learned the connotation of macro in photography terms.

it's being part of the big picture, but never really clear.

it's being there, and being not there at the same time.

it's thinking you mean something, but you actually don't.

And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back.

Labels: /:, emo, epiphany, family, feelings, friends, God, happy, notes, pissed, prayers, rants, school, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
6:18 PM

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

just a little too late.

I really thought I was over it, but I'm not.

and I don't think I ever will until we get this conflict resolved.

to whoever is concerned (you probably know who you are):

am I supposed to take your classical as mine cos you took the electric as yours

because I really don't know what can keep our friendship and fufil our desires.

-----

Wuyue: I'm sorry for starting our day off so unhappily. Sleep deprivation does that to me. Extreme moodswings + really disconnected thoughts. There's a lot of things I haven't told you, that I need to tell you. Because I really can't keep it to myself anymore.

Kellie: Sorry for watching my unglam moments today /: Now you'll remember how horrible I look when I cry ): and hey, thanks for cheering me up. ILY, yeah?

Amanda: Thanks for going home with me :D LOL.

alrighty. don't feel like posting much today.

not in a good mood. don't think i'll be in one soon.

shall finish geog and do quiet time.

i need some time with God.

Labels: /:, clique, emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, goals, God, homework, notes, pissed, rants, school, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
9:06 PM

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

i need sleep ):

i am awake rushing the ACE presentation stuff while all my group members are MIA.

this is so fucking unfair ):

i could be sleeping.

Labels: bored, friends, homework, pissed, tired

written on
11:35 PM