fight of faith (♥)

Sunday, September 6, 2009

echoes

i really don't know what to do anymore.

couldn't sleep until 1am last night:

there were shivers down my spine and screaming in my head.

honestly, i have no idea what's happening, but sometimes, i wish i could just quit this whole thing.

so from 2300 to 0100 i was just lying on the bed,

tossing and turning and praying and trying to get the screaming out,

but it didn't really work and i fell asleep cos of exhaustion.

i'm really scared there'll be a relapse tonight.

missed church today cos i forgot to charge my phone in the chaos last night,

and so the alarm didn't ring.

went to tampines with family,

bought paper to make your birthday card.

i don't know how to say sorry to you,

because you really ought to say sorry to me too.

Labels: /:, bored, church, emo, epiphany, family, feelings, friends, happy, notes, pissed, prayers, sj, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
11:00 PM

Sunday, August 9, 2009

slightly salted tears

i'm feeling so much better now after that good long cry.

i wasn't even crying for me, hell, i was crying for the broken hearted.

for those who were here and then left,

for those who left and came back,

for those who never said goodbye.

i haven't felt such a clear head for so long:

life's been a real bad tease these days - i always had to be the person everyone expects me to be, and i'm afraid to fall of their expectations, though i'm tempted to just blow my cover.

there's been too much deception, too many lies;

so much indecisiveness, so many wrong choices.

but now, it seems clear that it doesn't matter what everyone else says or does.

i am me. no one can change that, not the people who backstabbed, not the people who left, not even the dear voice in my head that keeps shouting the worse thoughts out.

it seems as though i killed that voice.

and i have no idea whether that's a good thing.

i kinda miss those serious heart-to-heart talks i have with xl:

the ones where i'm crying here, and i know he's there to make me smile.

the ones where i could embarass myself real bad and know he won't bring it up ever again.

the ones where i never had to pretend to be okay.

but we all have to grow up and move on, don't we?

we all have to pick up the pieces and try to fix them back together.

we all have to leave a part of us to grow a new one.

it hurts, but it's for the better, i guess.

so here's saying goodbye to the fuckers that left because they were afraid of the consequences of their mindless actions.

here's saying goodbye to those that never said goodbye.

here's picking myself up from the ground, and not looking anywhere but away from you.

i'm not sorry even if you are.

you deserve everything, it might not be coming, but i believe someday, everything would come to light.

just you wait, my dear,

because revenge was never meant to be taken directly: it comes in separate doses.

Labels: BOF, clique, emo, epiphany, fangirl, feelings, friends, goals, happy, jihoo, notes, pissed, poem, prayers, rants, sick, sj, supernova, thoughts, wants

written on
12:22 AM

Friday, August 7, 2009

For(get)giveness

God made Man in the splitting image of Himself, thus God made Man able to forgive.

I can forgive you, but I secretly hope that this would haunt you forever.

Sometimes I think I should just tell everyone what happened, ruin your image, etc.

Sometimes I think I should tell my mum.

Sometimes revenge does sound sweet.

Sometimes, forgiveness doesn't come from the heart.

So fuck you, and fuck off.

Labels: bored, clique, epiphany, feelings, FREAKED OUT BY BC, friends, notes, pissed, prayers, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
10:53 PM

Sunday, August 2, 2009

deleted.

all my pictures are gone.

because it failed to copy into my desktop.

and i deleted the photos in shunbin's camera.

and my uncle cleared his recycle bin.

i could just die now.

there were loads of awesome pictures in that batch of photos ):

and it hurts more than losing 100 bucks or something.

it's like all my effort + memories are gone.

and i really really really liked that batch of photos.

Labels: /:, emo, feelings, notes, photos, prayers, rants, supernova, tired, wants

written on
9:22 PM

Friday, July 31, 2009

So thank you for showing me,

That best friends can not be trusted.

i went to school in a very good mood.

because i seriously thought that it'll be better; that friends do make life much happier.

and then the day went spiralling downhill straight after flag raising.

i guess it's just another day of being me.

the piece of the puzzle that never quite fits.

and the worse part is it really hurts trying to make myself fit/seeing people try to make me fit.

because deep inside, we all know it's not possible.

because deep inside, there's always this little nagging voice that says you're not good enough.

y'know when they say things change? they're lying.

things don't change. circumstance does.

the way things happen don't change. the people who do it; they way that they do it change.

and reactions don't change. don't learn that the hard way.

don't regret things after they happen.

i'm sorry.

i guess things would have been better if i wasn't there.

i guess sometimes, i have to acknowledge that i'm not that visible.

i guess i'm getting my prayer answered: to get closer to God. but i didn't expect to get it through broken heartedness.

skimmed through the rest of the day through lenses.

i should have paid more attention.

i should have taken the initiative.

i should have just left.

alice shouldn't have came.

-----

after school was... bearable?

had lunch with wuyue, discussed some stuff with haihua.

and then my skirt got caught by ms lee/li.

like fuck. it's my worst day ever in school, and my skirt got caught for being 2cm too short.

was i supposed to expect it? i guess so, given the day's karma.

so yeah. i got booked for the first time in my three years in dunman.

and ms lee went down into the trenches of teachers who i think are unreasonable.

i mean, other people actually get a chance before they get booked.

and wala! first time i meet her in 2 years, i had to get booked.

fucker.

then finished up Benny cards with juniors.

got a phone call from haihua saying that i was year 1 parade commander.

like woah. 5 minutes before i left school my role changed from photographer to commander.

and i couldn't stay to practice.

and i really don't want to screw things up tomorrow.

i've screwed up enough today.

took the mrt with wuyue.

didn't talk much.

didn't feel cheerful enough for idle chat.

doesn't it feel like life's too short to waste it on such stuff?

that sometimes we should just let go of more things and go a little crazy?

that sometimes, that all we need to do.

i guess i learned the connotation of macro in photography terms.

it's being part of the big picture, but never really clear.

it's being there, and being not there at the same time.

it's thinking you mean something, but you actually don't.

And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back.

Labels: /:, emo, epiphany, family, feelings, friends, God, happy, notes, pissed, prayers, rants, school, supernova, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
6:18 PM

Monday, July 6, 2009

Late(r)

migraine prediction was correct.

panadols didn't work, and i think i might die of overdosage.

i'm trying out my sister's way of sticking the muscle ache sticker thing on the head.

no effect so far, 'cept that it burns so much that i don't feel the headache.

and there's this really bitter taste in my mouth that i can't get rid of.

is this some after-effect or something?

gah. i just want to runaway and hide in a hole or something.

it feels like there's the white rabbit repeating "i'm late, i'm late" in my head.

it's 10.35pm. not late in usual context, but i'm feeling rather sick.

there's this chinese assignment that i really have to work on 'cos it was due last friday. that's late.

there's idmi meeting tomorrow, and i have to rush some thing out. (late)

i feel like just falling asleep and not waking up; who cares if i'm late?

late; late; late.

i feel like i'm supposed to do something now, but i don't know what.

it's not something on my mental checklist.

it's like God calling me to do something, but i'm disobeying Him for human wants.

and i know i'm supposed to do something about it because i know it's not right, but i just want to rebel.

i don't like being diabolical.

i need some time on my own.

(it's the after-effects of acting)

Labels: church, emo, epiphany, family, feelings, friends, God, notes, prayers, school, sick, thoughts, tired, wants

written on
10:31 PM

Monday, April 20, 2009

sit next to me at lunch

prayer with vera at 6am was plain cool.

confidence + trust = good result 8D

haha.

had mcs breakfast with my dear kellie.

we should make that a monday ritual,

make mondays more enjoyable(:

strolled to school with her and talked a lot (as always).

studied a bit more chem,

then went to assembly.

math was unbearably boring.

blocked ms low out,

doodled on my notes,

fell asleep.

had only yoghurt drink for recess.

mcs was way too filling -.-

mugged a bit more chem,

chiong back to class,

had more revision time,

then chem test.

was okay, i guess.

didn't have any major screw ups and stuff.

shall leave the results to God.

drew circles in geog.

way cool doodlings 8)

shall get myself a circle template too!

haha.

died of laughter in CME.

sense and sexuality -.-

Wu Lao Shi: "sthsth 小狗恋情"

Shaun: "狗男女"

too bad if you don't get it.

haha.

lunch was pretty nice.

oyako don + nescafe latte.

been very long since i had that.

miss having coffee with clique):

i rmb amanda always has mocha and pearl has latte,

and i once tried original and hated it.

Assembly was quite sian.

lol. had ovatines with clique.

died laughing at the performers X:

I shall not be bad <:

waiting for kellie to come on now -.-

discuss malacca packing list :D

i sometimes wonder what goes through your head, my dear.

___ & _____ was damn awkward, i guess.

tmr will be better.

i'll bet on that.

debs: your mum'll get better. God will save.

Labels: church, clique, feelings, friends, happy, prayers, school, supernova

written on
7:33 PM

Thursday, April 16, 2009

cos I got over you(:

but the fire's in your hearts

I've never felt like this before.

It's like all your feelings just suddenly overwhelm you.

Happiness, sadness, gratitude, fear, confidence;

faith.

When it feels like all hope is lost,

what do you believe in?

When all you believe in is annihilated,

what would you do?

Yesterday I felt God touch me.

Yesterday I prayed that I would stick to my beliefs.

Yesterday I changed.

and today, that very prayer got answered.

today I didn't have 3 tests.

I had more:

the test of faith, of trust, of integrity,

of determination, of love.

today, I felt like life was extra-ordinary.

today, I got over you.

Labels: emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, God, happy, prayers, school, supernova, thoughts

written on
9:36 PM

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Matthew 6:25-27
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Got this off a google search result.

Sometimes, I need a reminder to know that I can't do it by my own;

that I need someone to fall back into;

that I need a little time with God.

I'm actually tearing now, after receiving Shun Bin's sms.

I don't know why.

I just feel thankful, that I have friends who are there for me,

in my darkest moments; when I need to have a little cry.

It feels nice, I guess.

To always know that God is there to catch me if I fall,

heal me if I break, encourage me if I need.

To know that God will listen to all my rants, all my sorrows,

and take in all my tears and replace them with tears.

These few days were hard, I guess.

I kinda shut God out of my life.

I prayed without inviting Him into my heart,

like it was routine; normal.

I prayed, and I didn't get.

It's nice to know that amidst all the Dunman madness;

through all the mugging and worrying and skipping of meals,

that I have my CG to count on;

to just let life go a little slower,

live life a little fuller,

and feel God a little more.

I promised myself an early night,

and a more healed heart.

I got the latter, but I'm not gonna let the former go.

Dear Heavenly Father,

thank You for bringing me back to You, for letting me see, once again, that I am nothing without You.

Father Lord, I pray that You may grant me faith and confidence for the tests tommorow,

and that I will be able to remember all that I studied, and do well in them.

Father, I pray, too, for Shun Bin and my other CG members,

that You may heal them in the various ways that they require You to touch them.

Jesus, I pray for the broken, the lost, and those that are in the midst of healing.

I pray that You may guide me through the challenges, and help me to stick to my faith,

that anything is possible, with a little Peter Pan magic.

Lord, I am grateful to You for bringing this little piece of happiness,

this tiny shard of light and hope into my life during the dark period.

I thank You for helping me see logic in my emotions,

for tearing me apart, and building me up into a better person.

In Your most precious name, Amen.

Labels: church, emo, epiphany, feelings, friends, notes, prayers, thoughts

written on
11:14 PM

Friday, April 10, 2009

trust(worthy)

i don't believe in words.

actions speak more.

because i had trusted,

and that trust always got broken.

dear Lord, give me someone to fall back into.

Labels: friends, prayers, rants

written on
11:04 PM

Sunday, March 29, 2009

life ain't a fairytale

i can't pinpoint the exact thought that's making me feel this way.

it's like a whole chunk of memories adding up together.

(that's why it's so hard to break down)

church today.

i can say i felt God touching my heart;

healing it, somehow.

"The Lord is close to the broken-hearted" Psalms 34:18

funny how ShunBin mentioned that during BS today.

i've been praying and praying for the people I love,

the sick, the tired, the disillusional, the broken-hearted.

i could say i didn't see God appearing; helping; doing something.

but I felt Him.

slowly, but surely,

there was less and less on my heart, in my mind.

more of God and less of humanity.

that's what I need now.

this is Alice in Wonderland, following the White Rabbit,

only to fall into a seemingly never-ending tunnel.

this is Wendy Darling, back from Never-land,

getting over Peter Pan and going back to her life.

Labels: church, feelings, friends, prayers, thoughts

written on
2:50 PM